Making the writer

5 Oct

I’m trying now in the height or depth of my sleeplessness to make a writerly self, to force apart the me-me and the writer-me.

The awareness that the two are getting too close, that I will soon be cut a little too deep, is pushing me.

I need to separate them. Maybe even create more than one persona, to find different voices, to become different.

I need more barriers between them, more screens to hide and to shield and to build layer upon layer upon layer to differentiate what is within.

If not… maybe one day I won’t be able to live with myself or what I’ve become.

Discard then discard then discard again

5 Oct

I think over the life of this blog, many posts have been written and instantly discarded because I don’t have the courage or inclination to allow the world to see my real thoughts.

Dare I suggest that everything on here is a construct of a fabricated persona, a carefully constructed front to hide the real me from the world?

Then again, is there really realme ?

No matter where I write, deep down I’m always fully conscious that someday the words might reach the eyes of another.
I’m some times even made hyperaware that what I think is a result of my upbringing. Society. Careful manipulation by certain parties when I was younger and even now. Influences. Expectations of others around me.

expectations. 

memememememe. 

I’m rather sick of writing all the “I” “me” “I” “me” but I’m reluctant to put anything else down because..

Narcissism. Memememe.

I can’t let jrock go.

24 Sep

I currently have a one week holiday and am in a brilliant mood.

Don’t really care if no one is reading, I’ll take this as a journal I’m leaving out for the whole world to read 😉 . and I know my thoughts aren’t that interesting or controversial haha.

Was thinking about music today and thought about getting Spotify, because I heard that it is pretty good for getting to know relatively unknown artists. Only con is that is doesn’t have very much Japanese music (I checked).

I thought, ‘Maybe it’s time I let go. It’s expensive, hard to maintain and fellow fans are few and far between.’ I don’t have my sister’s energy and obsession. I just prefer Japanese (rock) music on a whole. Then on my shuffle, I heard the Gazette’s Cassis, my second favourite song from that band. This led me to look up recent releases and found Uverworld’s ‘The Over’. (another down side, song names are usually weird and a little embarrassing to name in public :X)

I love Uverworld.

First exposure to them was Colors of the heart, then Koishikute and Go-on. I adore Go-on, even if I can only sing three lines in the entire song, and they are ‘wo -oa-oa’ (can’t be bothered linking but I’m pretty sure they’re all on youtube).

The Over is everything I love about Uverworld, and Uverworld covers pretty much what I like about Jrock.

Not going back to English music anytime soon.

(I’ve been reading a lot about defamation and libel lawsuits against bloggers. Partly for fun and partly for an essay. Somehow it just makes me want to blog more instead of less. theOatmeal’s victory against funnyjunk and that lawyerCC with a name I can’t remember makes it even more compelling.)

 

EDIT: Gackt has a new release coming out soon. WHO CARES ABOUT ENGLISH MUSIC?

Edit 2: I’m just a little bit unreasonable about Gackt. Don’t care what he’s done or what he’s like IRL, just looooove his music. Well, most of it.

despair.

6 Sep

I follow a lot of writers on twitter for the same reason most other people follow musicians and celebrities – I idolise them and yearn to be like them. The writers occasionally post snippets of their lives, photos, places they’ve been to and things that they read.

Today, someone tweeted about this website, Letters of Note. It features letters written by people, as far as I can tell, fairly recently, within the past 100 years or so. I spent about two hours going through them, and I realised that lots of people have a gift for prose and an engaging, vivid style. They have what my teachers call an authentic ‘voice’ that emerges strongly in their writing, almost as if you can picture and hear the person saying it. The letters are also wonderful, there’s like a hundred story ideas and a hundred opportunities but right now all I can feel is envy and despair.

It isn’t there, it’s not there at all, the magic, the special voice, the gripping beauty of writing, the combination of prose and poetry, it isn’t there. I don’t have it and I want it. I covet it.

I have to finish about 2000 words by tomorrow and I don’t know how am I going to do it now. I read the letters for inspiration but they are mockeries, taunting me with what I want to be.

I want to write, I need to write, but what am I supposed to do with all these words that won’t come out as they should?

Am I allowed to call this ironic?

22 Jul

It may seem strange that now I’m in a writing course, I have not updated my blog.

The main reason is actually because I save all my writing now just in case I can use it for any of the self-reflective essays I want to write. The anti-plagiarism tool scans websites as well as journal articles (which is why paraphrasing is so important), so if I had something too similar posted here and it was picked up upon, I’d get a nice big ‘FAIL’ for unoriginal material. Yes, I’m sure I can eventually explain it, but why risk it?

Life has also been uneventful. I know a good author can always find a story anywhere, or at least make even the dullest occasions seem interesting, but I’m not there yet.

I have also been rather depressed – wait, too strong a word. Former psychologist-to-be-me objects – my spirits have been dampened by the depressing reading material in my course. Short stories, especially modern short stories, are generally written to provoke, to excite, to cause one to tease and tear and worry, generally, not meant to elicit pleasant emotions, or happy feelings. Death, disgrace, overt sensuality, shame, the base and carnal, fear and the darkness that lurks both within and without… I am getting my glut of them. Not all the stories swing that way, but on a whole, they do. Of course, some handle it better than others, but we’re encouraged to read a wide range. Some are surreal, or exist in a hyperreality, of senses and feelings more real than reality. I appreciate the crafting that has gone into writing the stories, but the content affects me.

Then there’s the funny bits, like having to read bad books. I just finished ‘The Castle of Otranto’, known as the first gothic novel, and is believed to be the inspiration for a whole genre of fiction. First of its kind does not in any way make it even close to best of its kind, or even vaguely good. It was simply too much, hammy, and over the top. If it had been a parody of gothic literature, then maybe it would have been more acceptable (but would need a some changes).

In a quick summary, yes, I am enjoying my course. I am learning many, many things about writing that would have been difficult to learn on my own. I like the exposure I am getting to books and stories I would not have picked up. Of course it’s difficult and I get exposed to things I would have rather avoided, but I get to enjoy the challenge of crafting and creating. It’s not easy, it frustrates me and I wish I had a steady future to look forward to but… it’s everything I wanted and more. And I guess that makes it worth it.

it’s too late if you want to break me, I’m already broken.

3 Mar

Like grasping onto smoke or air, no matter how hard I try to hold onto you, you slip away back into the darkness. Even now, even now to wake up and find reality as it is, hurts.

I’ve also suddenly been reminded another reason why I haven’t been able to finish Nanowrimo all the other years I’ve attempted it or thought of it. November is a month of paralysing emotions, of guilt and of helplessness, of remembrance of failure when a bright spark in my life was extinguished.

No matter when it is, the memories of the bleak Novembers rise up year after year to haunt me.

the ghost of you wanders through my dreams.

And the hardest part was letting go, not taking part

23 Feb

I think the prospect of my upcoming course is terrifying me so much, every time I think about writing, I freeze up.

No I’m joking. At least partly.

I’ve occupied myself the past few days (in between meeting people, catching up and other more productive things) with replaying FFVIII, but I’ve gotten rather depressed in the 3rd CD where Squall gets all moony and I LUFF YOU RINOA -.-. I was actually starting to think he was rather cool and wondering why I’ve never really liked him and then I remembered. On the other hand, Rinoa is as annoying as I remembered.

On the other hand, now, thirteen years after I first picked up the game, I finally understand the card game and the (horrendous) junctioning system, so I’m having a lot more fun with it.

As for Chrono Cross, I’ve put it on hold after the big swap (the game is 13 years old, should I put up spoilers?), because I get sad when the swap is reversed. It’s as if one second I’m all cool and rawr and sexay, and then . . . meh.

Peter Galen Massey

Haiku, Book Reviews, Commentary & The Occasional Nonsense

bottledworder

easy reading is damn hard writing

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